Brenda became concerned about women’s issues during a church service; she saw pain on the faces of women while listening to their testimonies. She became concerned that the women needed an outlet that would allow them to speak candidly on their concerns, and promote healing. The “You are Not Alone Women’s Empowerment – Mind, Body, and Spirit” seminars began to address women’s bottled-up issues. One issue that has secretly plagued women for years is MSM (men who have sex with men), or the Down Low lifestyle. In some cases women are aware of their significant other’s lifestyle, in some cases not; Brenda has personal experience with a previous marriage to a man who was living on the “down low.” Her former husband J.L. King, is the author of On The Down Low: A Journey of Straight Black Men Who Sleep With Men (Broadway Books).
Brenda Stone Browder is the author of: ON THE UP AND UP: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR WOMEN LIVING WITH MEN ON THE DOWN LOW
Her personal testimony and book has been featured in various media including: Radio talk shows - NPR with Ed Gordan, Bill Thompson’s “Eye on Books;” CNN, “The Montel Williams Show,”
featured in Essence Magazine, and a guest appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show her book, On the Up and Up, is an essence best seller. She has been in demand on radio talk shows, TV news shows, and has been keynote speaker at numerous events and fundraisers.
In her workshop entitled “Surviving Life on the Down Low” Brenda speaks candidly on that relationship. She uses her test to be a testimony to others; “They are not alone. Many women have been brokenhearted, and their world shattered, to find that their spouses or significant other, is living a down low lifestyle.” Brenda’s emphasis is on “surviving the storm,” healing and forgiveness, and living a non-judgmental lifestyle. She dedicates her life to: Educate, stimulate, motivate, and liberate disempowered spirits.
Brenda is available to for workshops or to keynote your event. Contact:bsb@brendabrowder.com
BRENDA STONE BROWDER, MINISTER AND EX-WIFE OF ON THE DOWN LOW AUTHOR J. L. KING, TELLS HOW SHE RECLAIMED HER LIFE AFTER DISCOVERING SHE WAS IN A DOWN LOW MARRIAGE, AND
ADVISES OTHERS HOW TO RECOGNIZE—AND LEAVE—BEFORE
THE “DL” COSTS THEM THEIR LIVES IN
ON THE UP AND UP
“Men who are living on the down low need an accomplice—a woman. They don’t want the world to think that they are gay, so you will never see a down low man without a woman in his life. She is his cover. I was that cover,” says Brenda Stone Browder in her book ON THE UP AND UP: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low, just published by Dafina Books. Browder should know. She’s the ex-wife of J. L. King whose been espousing his story as a man on the “DL” through his New York Times bestselling book, On the Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep with Men, and his interviews for Oprah and other national television, radio and print media, opening the door to their marriage and lives for the entire nation.
Most women who are married to or dating a DL man have no idea that their man is on the down low. And there are many women who will never know. Browder didn’t know for a very long time. J. L. denied to Browder that he was having sex with men and still hasn’t admitted it to her face-to-face. If he didn’t write it in his book, she says “I think he still would be trying to deny it to me.”
In ON THE UP AND UP she shares her story about discovering and dealing
with her husband being on the DL, and tells women what to look for, what to do once they discover their man is on the DL, and how to find the strength to do what needs to be done. She tells how, as the male point of view on the DL phenomenon continued being discussed and explored by individuals and the media, she “began to see the bigger picture.” She knew it was time to tell her side of it—the woman’s point of view. She notes, “this isn’t about me at all. It’s about the thousands of women who are still living with men who are on the down low. This is about their stories and about saving their lives” in a world where unsafe sex can be a killer.
Browder shares insights such as—
· The kind of women DL men are attracted to are usually three basic personality types—“Wide-Eyed and Just Plain Naïve,” “Women who are Running Low—Low on Self-Esteem and Self-Image,” and “She’s on the DL, Too!”
· Women will lie to themselves and let their men get away with things rather than stand up for themselves and face the facts.
· Women have to wake up. They have to love themselves and not define their self worth or value by the men they do or don’t have.
· If a person gets bad vibes or strange vibes around a man and has to justify his behavior in order to feel good about him being in her life, she’s probably better off without him.
· Men who are living a double life are usually more jealous and extra protective of their women. Be careful of a man who is too close to his friends and at the same time doesn’t want his wife to have any friends.
· Signs to look for include the man not being accountable for his time, inconsistent behavior, his male friends being a little too friendly, changes in his love making, and more obvious clues such as same sex pornography and a lot of phone calls from men.
· When women discover they are dealing with a down low man, there are a few things they can do to protect themselves—Love Yourself/Respect Yourself, Follow Your Instincts, Don’t Wallow in Self-Pity, Do Something!, and Seek Counsel
Browder also deals with the taboo topic of black community response to homosexuals and how this denial must share responsibility for the proliferation of the down low lifestyle, the families and marriages it destroys and the very real danger it poses to women. “I doubt we will ever see a prominent, powerful or even popular black man stand up and say the things Jim McGreevy said,” says Browder. “Even in this day and age, to be gay in the black community—especially for a leader in the community—is a fate worse than death.” She notes, “there are no places for people like J. L. King or for so many other brothers on the ‘down low’.”
In the black community the secretiveness about homosexuality is deadly. Black women are the largest growing risk group for HIV and AIDS, in part because of the DL phenomenon. Browder believes the black church must take a leading role in stopping this trend. “Society,” she says, “particularly in the black community, has spent so much time making people feel uncomfortable, like lepers…we have driven people so far into the closet that they have made up a whole new identity—the DL.”
Browder reaches out to other through her own ministry, her work with the AIDS ministry she helped found, through lectures and appearances in which she shares her experiences, and, now, in ON THE UP AND UP. One of her most important pieces of advice comes from her own experience. “Mother Nature gives every woman a sixth sense,” she says. “The signs were there all along. I was unwilling to listen to that internal voice.”
ON THE UP AND UP: A Survival Guide for Women Living with Men on the Down Low
Brenda Stone Browder with Karen Hunter
Q&A CLOSE UP
What kind of women is a DL man attracted to?
Usually to three basic personality types. They all have something in common—they are all willing to put the needs of their men and other people in their lives before their needs.
· Wide-Eyed and Just Plain Naïve—
A DL man loves a woman who is not worldly and who will completely dote and depend on him. They want young girls, sheltered women who won’t ask many questions and who won’t hassle them.
· Women Who Are Running Low——Low on Self Esteem and Self Image—
DL men are very attracted to women who don’t love themselves.
· She’s on the DL, Too!—
There are a few women who are on the DL who have something to hide, too.
I let a lot of things my husband did and said slide by. But every hurtful remark and action was a sign of things to come. Looking back, almost from the beginning things were not right. Jimmy was very, very controlling and I let him control me.
Women will lie to themselves and let their men get away with things rather than stand up for themselves and face the facts.
The majority of women who are in relationships with men on the DL have no idea.
Women have to wake up. They have to first love themselves and not define their self worth or value by the men they do or don’t have. If women put more energy into finding themselves instead of finding a man, perhaps there would be fewer horror stories like mine. If I had waited to marry, as my parents wanted me to, I might have had enough life experience to be able to discern things about Jimmy that seem so obvious to me today.
Q&A CLOSE UP
What can women do to protect themselves
from a DL man?
When a woman discovers that she is, indeed, dealing with a down low man, there are a few things she can do to protect herself and to stay sane.
· Love Yourself and Respect Yourself—
This is anathema for a man living on the down low. If a woman loves herself and knows who she is, it will make it more difficult getting connected with a man who is a liar, and it will give her the strength to make the tough choices if she does.
· Follow Your Instincts—
Mother Nature gives every woman a sixth sense. I was unwilling to listen to that internal voice. The signs were there for me all along.
· Don’t Wallow in Self-Pity, Do Something!—
It takes strength to leave. It takes strength to say “No more!” It takes strength to say “Get out!” I knew that if I was going to respect myself, Jimmy had to go. And I didn’t want my children seeing their mother remain in a situation that wasn’t good for her. That wasn’t the example I wanted to set for them.
· Seek Counsel—
Find someone to confide in. I don’t mean an attorney, although one may be necessary in the end. Silence can be deadly. Your silence can kill not only your spirit, but the spirit of those around you. Sharing your story helps you heal. My true healing came when I was able to face all of the hurt and anger I had bottled up over the years—hurt and anger that I didn’t even know was there—and forgive.
Q&A
BRENDA STONE BROWDER
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS ABOUT ON THE UP AND UP
Your ex-husband, J. L. King gained fame with his national bestseller On The Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of “Straight” Black Men Who Sleep With Men and the incredible media attention it spurred—especially once he appeared on “Oprah.” What do you think of the book?
Its had a real impact on me. It was powerful for me, not just because it was my life, too, but, partly, because Jimmy never said he was sorry for what happened. Those were the words I’d been looking for in the years that passed since our break up. All I wanted was an “I’m sorry.” Those two simple words would have released me from years of self-doubt and anger. With the book, I feel he finally admitted what he had done to me and to us. I thought “This is my apology.”
What does the term “down low” mean?
“Down low,” or DL, can refer to any lying, cheating man—not just one who is sleeping with other men. Any man who is lying to you about fidelity can put your life at risk.
What do you mean by putting “your life at risk?”
African American women are thirteen times more likely to contract HIV than their white counterparts. That can be directly tied to men lying about sexual preferences. God delivered me from that situation. I could have been one of the women with HIV I saw being interviewed on CNN—women whose lives were ruined by the lies of their men.
How did you discover Jimmy was on the down low?
My inner voice, the one that tells you when things aren’t right, had been talking to me like an old girlfriend—loud and steady. When I stopped ignoring that voice, I started investigating my husband. The evidence was right in front of me. Everything made sense finally. I understood that Jimmy did not want a woman.
What evidence?
Among other things, I found a jewelry receipt for a piece engraved to his friend Melvin. There were nude photos of Jimmy taken by another man. There was pornography hidden away featuring men, and “missing you badly” letters from his “friend” in Texas. Amazingly, despite all this, Jimmy stuck to his lies.
How can someone be sure if their man is gay or on the down low?
The majority of women who are in relationships with men on the DL have no idea. In his book, Jimmy suggests that there are no real signs to know if your man is on the DL. While I agree that there is not a way of telling just by a man’s interest or the way he carries himself, I do believe that people living a double life throw off a certain kind of energy. As a follower of the Word, I do know there is such a thing as discernment.
By discernment you mean…?
Use the insight and good judgment God gave you. If you get bad vibes around someone and you have to constantly justify a person’s behavior or attitudes to feel good about them being in your life, you’re probably better off without them. Don’t ignore the signs. I did.
What signs did you ignore?
Among them a few basic ones. Jimmy was never accountable for his time, he exhibited a lot of inconsistent behavior, his friends were a little too friendly and a bit too “at home” in our household. Our sex life changed.
In ON THE UP AND UP you mention Jimmy denying he’s homosexual. Isn’t that what his book reveals?
Not if you read it closely. Jimmy never says he is gay, and I am pretty certain he never will. He denied to me that he was having sex with men, and still hasn’t admitted it to me face-to-face. If he didn’t write it in his book, I think he still would be trying to deny it to me.
But why? Why not just be up front about it?
I can’t answer for Jimmy. What I do know, is that, even in this day and age, to be gay in the black community—especially for a leader in the community—is a fate worse than death. There are no places for people like Jimmy—even as J.L. King—or for so many other brothers on the “down low.”
What does this mean for the women in their lives?
Black women are the largest growing risk group for HIV and AIDS because of the down low phenomenon. In the black community the “dirty little secret” is deadly. The black church should take a leading role in stopping this trend. We’ve driven people so far into the closet that they have made up a whole new identity—the down low. They fool themselves by saying they’re not really homosexual, they just happen to have sex with men. Sort of a “it’s what I do, not who I am” rationalization.
Do you accept the rationalization?
No. If a man has sex with a man, he’s gay. He’s a homosexual. I understand the need to not be identified with that lifestyle. But there is a greater need, I believe, for men to be truthful and honest—with their loved ones and especially with themselves.
Why did you write ON THE UP AND UP?
There are many reasons, some of which I’m beginning to suspect have to do with my own healing, perhaps a reaction to it. I have my ministry and the AIDS ministry I helped to found, but I want to reach more women with what I’ve learned about myself and about living with a man on the DL. Maybe more so because, even though Jimmy with On the Down Low has brought so much attention to this lifestyle, it seems he and others avoid confronting how wrong it is to not just jeopardize your marriage, but to endanger your spouse and your family through indiscriminate sexual activity. Women need to be armed with the truth. They need to know what they are facing and, more importantly, they need to know that they are not alone and that it is not their fault. That’s what ON THE UP AND UP is about.